Archive for July 27, 2009

The Price of Heightened Creativity

{ July 27, 2009 @ 11:35 pm } · { coping with Schizoaffective Disorder, sources of inspiration }
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I just finished reading Steve Lopez’s The Soloist, a book about the struggles of a Juliard-trained musician contending with Schizophrenia. Nathanial Ayers combats his illness with a deep and undying love of classical music. He still has moments of clarity where he can create a masterful sound as he plunges into Beethoven movements on his cello or violin. But his hopeful moments are always followed by a submergence into the depths of despair that have him preferring a life on the streets to an apartment and psychiatric treatment that Mr. Lopez finds for him.

Ayers’ plight reminded me a lot of my own. During times of stability, I was moved by a profound and passionate love for literature and written expression. I would lose myself in masterpieces like Cather in the Rye, often creating my own fictional versions of the classic work. My characters were layered and multi-dimensional, often representing people whose paths I crossed during my youth or travails across country. During times of mania, much like Ayers, I experienced augmented creativity that allowed me to see the prose I constructed before my very eyes.

Research has proved that there can be a link between mania and creativity which speaks to the many artists, writers and musicians, including Ayers and the great Ernest Hemingway who were creative geniuses while struggling with mental illness.

My regret is that I never held on to any of my work during my manic episodes in Vegas and LA. When I finally accepted treatment and got well, I disposed of everything I wrote when I was symptomatic, fearing that it would remind me too much of troubled times.

One creative flourish in particular documented a disillusioned teenager seeking refuge in a trip across the country to find meaning and purpose in his life. He stays with a relative in Vegas where he gets caught up in a dangerous lifestyle, becoming a regular at the sports book and various casinos. His cousin, who is a member of the FBI, helps him get back on track and find respite to his tormented existence in his loving family. I wrote it during a stay at an impatient care facility in Texas and left it there when I was set to return home to Chicago.

Today I struggle to find inspiration for my creativity. My only real writing outlet is this blog. Off the medicine I can paint elaborate landscapes with my prose. I can imagine multi-faceted characters and dense plots riddled with exciting twists and turns. On my meds I am constrained by here-and-now realities, missing the ability to dream and conjure. The trade-off is that now, unlike Ayers who refuses medication throughout the book, I am not plagued by periods of confusion and rage. I do not experience downward spirals where I put my life in danger. I am not burdened by nights where I have no other place to lay my head than my car pulled off on the shoulder of a dark and desolate inter-state. I guess creativity is a small price to pay for a safe and harmonious existence.

Disability Benefits

{ July 27, 2009 @ 4:52 pm } · { challenges in education, coping with Schizoaffective Disorder }
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My employment history over the past four years was reviewed by the Social Security Administration. They were trying to determine if my SSDI benefits should continue indefinitely. The goal of the review was to determine if I am capable of full-time employment in which case my benefits would be discontinued.

I have been employed by three different employers over this time–the most prestigious of which was the Chicago Sun-Times. I was at the Times from the fall of ’05 until last December. It was rewarding work and I made many good contacts. When my boss started reprimanding me and humiliating me in front of my coworkers though, the job became too stressful to continue.

While this was happening the economy was suffering and so was the newspaper. Readership was down and space was being constantly cut. I left the paper just before it declared bankruptcy and laid off a good number of its writers.

The Social Security Administration found that I was ‘incapable of substantial or full-time work.’ As I read this portion of the five page review, I was stricken with mixed emotions. While this was good news because I would continue receiving my monthly checks, it didn’t bode well for my confidence as I attempt to take on a full-time teaching job at the end of my schooling in the fall of 2010. It’s true I haven’t enjoyed a full-time job since I first got sick in 2003, but I will have to prove to a school administrator that I am more than capable of performing in such a role. Where will this confidence come from? Confidence comes from measured success, and the success I have achieved over the last four years has been largely academic, as I completed one Masters and am more than halfway through another. But teaching is different than being a student. Perhaps the only thing I can do is meet the teaching challenge head on much like I have confronted my mental illness.

Though I will lose financial benefits when I do embark on my teaching career, I look forward to the letter I receive from Social Security notifying me that I will be cut off from my benefits due to ‘full-time and substantial employment.’