We went to Jamie’s work friend’s place for dinner before we walked a half a block to Wrigley Field where we took in an awesome Elton John and Billy Joel concert. Who would have thought that the two 60 something-year-olds could still rock. As we left Ron and Kendra’s apartment, I couldn’t help but reflect on what a nice place they had. Jamie and I have a great place. It is in a good neighborhood and it is a beautiful loft space. I couldn’t ask for a cooler apartment, but we rent. I can’t wait for the day when I can afford to buy a home where Jamie and I can build a family together. Maybe I’m being a bit impatient here but I look at most of our friends and they are a few years, sometimes more, into a stable career, I haven’t even started mine yet. It brings a feeling of insecurity and uncertainty. I’m insecure about being in school at the age of 30, and I’m uncertain as to whether I can cut it as a teacher, after all, teaching represents a complete unknown.
Life is hard enough without letting self-defeating doubts creep into your psyche, so why am I dwelling on a variable that I cannot control at the present time? I get impatient when I talk to people we know about their thriving careers. We know a Chiropractor, a PR person, a teacher, a builder, a lawyer not to mention all the professionals on my softball team and I am trudging through a masters program that won’t end until next year. It’s hard to deal with.
On top of the insecurities I have about not being a member of the workforce at the present time, I am dealing with the added stress of an illness that can make it difficult to function. The only way I can find what’s at the end of the tunnel is to keep pursuing my goals with focused energy and unwavering commitment.
I have to try not to compare myself to my friends. I have to have the confidence to believe in myself and in the notion that I am on a course no one else has been on. Therefore my journey is unique and filled with new and exciting challenges that I must meet head on. The self-defeating thoughts will continue to creep in every time I hear the Chiropractor talk about a patient, or the lawyer talk about a client, or the builder talk about a house, or the PR consultant talk about a represented company. But I’m friends with these guys not because of what they do, but because of who they are as people. I have fears of not fulfilling my career goals but I ask myself what’s the worst that could happen–I lie around the apartment in my underwear searching for inspiration to write the next great American novel. Will I be happy as Jamie’s stay-at-home better half? No. But that just means that I have to focus on making my journey a successful one marked by hard work and dedication. Would I like to be years into a successful career? Of course. The illness set me back a few years. It also allows seeds of doubt about my capabilities as a professional to creep into my consciousness, but I have to continue to work hard and overcome the imposing hurdles that have been placed in my path.
Coping and Hoping 